Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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