It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
