i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
