Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
