DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
