She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
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can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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