i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
