We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?