If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now