batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.