Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
