the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
