just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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