Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
