You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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