i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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