Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
