Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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