so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
