you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
