Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
