Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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