I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
