Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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