Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
