and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
