So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
