mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
