stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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