I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
