This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
