you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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