I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
