uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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