Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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