i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
