Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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