If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I understand Curling. That high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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