I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
