So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need to align my fucking chakras
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