a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
