I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
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I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
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I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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