my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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