I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
