I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
