I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
