Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
