Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
