if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
