My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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