I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
