who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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