Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
