It's Friday. Sex?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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