Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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