I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
