Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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