then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is