dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
