Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
