i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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